sCHIZoPHReNIa diARiES
TRUE STORIES BY REAL SCHIZOPHRENICS
Tim Thorburn's Autobiography
TIM THORBURN'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY
That’s when I made a 911 and had an ambulance come and pick me up. My mind was completely melted, I didn’t know what else to do. I needed help. I went in to the ER at Sacred Heart Medical Center and told the doctors and later my supervisor that I had been stressed to wits end and contemplated suicide but did not let anyone know of my delusions. I was sent home with my supervisor and spent the night at his place. The doctors had given me a drug to help me relax. The next day I went to the AGS First Sergeant and Chief Martinez to talk about my position as a jet engine mechanic. Chief Martinez was very kind to me in my strife and helped me a great deal later. I told the Chief I didn’t want to be deployed and that deployment along with newly attained responsibilities frightened me. He made me undeployable and put me in Tool Crib to hand out tools and keep track of inventory.
In Tool Crib there was less stress but at this point even learning how to do the most simple of tasks was difficult. I later asked to be a dorm Bay Orderly and was in charge of cleaning the dorms along with a team of four others. The stress diminished but the paranoia continued. I thought everyone on the base was watching me and hated me for selling out my country. I thought that my dorm room had cameras and microphones in the vents but didn’t check because I didn’t want them to know I was on to them. After about a week as a Bay Orderly and not eating or sleeping in days and just sitting in my room staring into space I was very deep into a psychosis. Suddenly I forgot who I was for a moment and decided to write on a piece of paper who I was and tape it to my bedside in the event I should wake up and not remember who in fact I was.
There was an occurrence in the Cyber Café which was on the base that really scared me. I was sitting watching TV on a flat panel screen on the wall when suddenly there were closed captions that appeared and were talking to me directly, telling me that everyone knew what I was up to and asked what my intentions were. I thought that since I was in a Cyber Café that the people on computers were uploading all these words onto the TV screen, it made perfect sense to me and supported my conspiracy theory. The next day the Chief brought me in to the hospital again after one of my friends had reported my strange behavior and beliefs that I had told him about. This friend was Frenante Luab my one and only true friend on the base. I was admitted in the psychiatric ward at the hospital for 2 weeks involuntarily for failure to sign-in. In my evaluation I told the doctor with the Chief present that I was hearing voices that were telling me I was going to die, the voices were like that from hell. I heard people screaming in agony. I think they were demons. After I was admitted they tried to get me to sign-in again, when they gave me the paper I signed in as Satan. So I had gone from Prophet to Devils Advocate in the course of about 2 weeks.
Once in the hospital I was put on anti-psychotics and after a few days the voices stopped but when I read literature in books and magazines it still eerily pertained to me. There were people in the ward that I thought were undercover FBI agents posing as patients. This did not make my recovery any easier, its like wherever I went I couldn’t escape the conspirators. While in the hospital the AGS Commander came with a paper for me to sign waiving my rights to protest a discharge, I signed it.
When I was released from the hospital, I was to discharge from the military immediately and the Chief made this process go along in an expedient manner and within 2 days I was completely discharged honorably with my the MGI Bill granted. I felt that somehow I had been pardoned and was happy that all this had come to an end. Before ever going to the hospital the first time I was tested and evaluated by mental health professionals on the base and they concluded that I had suffered from a personality disorder most of my life that included cluster C characteristics that deviated very much from the norm and that the disorder impaired my existence in a military environment and that civilian life with very low stress and medication would help me recover. The civilian mental health doctors on the other hand concluded I suffered form schizophrenia. It is the diagnosis of schizophrenia that I agree with most from what I have read and understand of the disease and is ultimately what my present doctor, Phil Miller, believes I have.
As I drove home to South Dakota with my mother I still had paranoia that I was being followed. At every gas station that we stopped at along the way I would see the signs “security cameras in use” and imagined this was just another way for the government to keep an eye on me. I was so relieved to finally be home, for the first time in a long while I felt safe. Two days after arriving home I was scheduled to get set up for health care at the VA and follow up with Dr. Phil Miller in mental health. It was 10 months before I came fully back to reality and got a job at Millennium Recycling as a sorter. It was very low stress and I enjoyed it because I could listen to music and no one bothered me and I had a great supervisor.
This job was very humbling and I think that’s why it appealed to me. It kept my mind busy and away from strange thoughts. I worked there for 1yr and 4mos before getting a job at Saturn Of Sioux Falls as a Lube Technician. This let my true talent come out as a mechanic while at the same time keeping me occupied. I attained many friends and absolutely loved my job until Jarod Stevens became the manager and threw my whole world upside down again.
Jarod Stevens is an Anti-Christian, Hitler loving, racist exhibiting, self centered, egotistical, bastard that rose to power as an absolute tyrant in his own right in the Saturn Express Lube. And all his personality came equipped with a full wardrobe of sheep’s clothing. I befriended him in the beginning but then grew to hate him as an enemy when he became my boss. I have no problem with authority figures but Jarod brought authority to new heights. I wish I had never met him. It was about a year after having him as my boss, almost 2 years altogether at Saturn that I had my second meltdown. I started drinking very heavily at home, mainly Vodka in large volumes. I would sit in my apartment and drink with racing thoughts about work and how much I hated working for Jarod. I’d pass out, wake up, drink some more, and pass out again.
In the month of August 2006 my sister needed help moving to a new apartment. I told her I would help but that she would have to do her part as well. She suffers from chronic depression and its hard for her to get the smallest tasks completed without an extraordinary amount of time and help form others. She had about a month to find a new apartment, pack, get a truck, and clean the old apartment. Well, she sat on it up until about a week and half before the due date. She had plenty of boxes that my dad had provided with absolutely nothing in them a week from having to be out of there. The only boxes that were packed were those of Sarah’s things. Sarah is my niece. I had to step in and do everything for my sister but not without first asking Jarod for a week off. I didn’t get the time requested but did everything for my sister anyway. I went with her and found a place, packed all her things, got a truck, moved her things, cleaned the old apartment, and later got everything situated in the new apartment while at the same time working full-time at Saturn. I had been “burning the candle on both ends” and was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted.
I confronted my boss one day and told him that I sensed a tension between us and that I wanted to make peace with it. He came over that night and we talked things over. I told him about my condition and what happened in WA and what I thought of him and that I didn’t agree with the way he treated his employees. I told him it was getting on my nerves how he talked about himself all day long and how great his life was. I told him “each and every one of these people that work for you has something special about themselves, they may not talk about it day in and day out but they do” and that “it’s better to keep one’s pride to himself.” He disagreed with me on a lot of issues but also agreed that I had made some good points.
The next morning I showed up for work intoxicated and with a bad attitude. I performed maintenance on a few vehicles before Jarod found that I was intoxicated an asked me to come with him into the General Manager’s office. He presented me with a write-up that stated that coming to work the way I had was unacceptable and that this is a warning and that I wasn’t fired but if it happens in the future I would be terminated. He sent me home for the day and later came over to talk with me some more. We talked for a couple hours, he told me that he was worried about me and that I should seek help. I was scheduled to work the following day, I didn’t sleep that night nor had I slept much the entire week. I listened to Ensor’s Sermons that I had on cassette and suddenly felt so high on life and one with the Holy Spirit, I would later say I had been hit with the Holy Spirit. I called 911 and told the operator I needed help, that I couldn’t calm down, that I needed to be tranquilized because I was on a spiritual high. The police showed up at my door and stayed with me until the ambulance arrived. While I waited I preached to the police officers and told them of my experience and tried to convince them that there truly is a God and I’m iron clad proof of this.
I was admitted at Avera Behavioral Health and was given a psychiatric evaluation that concluded I was having strange thoughts and was very hyper religious. I was told that my goals while there were to try and remedy my behavior and think more clearly. I was given Zyprexa and group therapy sessions all of which helped me to calm down and vent a little. I calmed down but my religious high proceeded for about a month. I was there 3 days before being discharged with an undetermined diagnosis and was to follow up with Dr. Miller at the VA. Is was Wednesday when I was discharged and I told Jarod I was out and that I was taking the rest of the week off and would return the following Monday. On Friday I received from Jarod that he had spoken with his superiors and they told him that I should not have gotten a warning but should have been terminated the day of the incident. He called to inform me that I was terminated effective immediately, I told him I was fine with that and was actually somewhat relieved to not ever have to look at him again. I would later conduct a hearing with Jarod and other people involved in my employment and appeal the decision of termination on the grounds of wrongful termination due to a discrimination of a mental illness. I had copies of the warning Jarod and I had signed. I thought this document covered my offense of intoxication as it stated this is a warning and that I am not terminated. I had no further offense at work since the write-up and had not even returned back to work from being in the hospital before they made the decision to terminate me.
I don’t disagree with them, I think that intoxication at work should not be allowed and tolerated but it’s just the fact that I had been written up by a supervisor that should have known how to do his job in the first place and should have made the decision to terminate me at that moment. It makes it look more to me like I was terminated for something other than that which I had already been counseled on and forgiven for and if I I lost my job I think Jarod should’ve gone down with me. Being terminated for intoxication made it impossible for me to get unemployment benefits. It was very hard for me to pay my bills. I sold my Jeep and a bearskin rug that I had been meaning to sell for quite a while so I could pay my rent.
I got a job at the same car wash I had originally worked at years ago as my first job. I worked there for about a month before getting my present job as a Men’s Fitness Center Manager at the YMCA. I love this job and couldn’t be happier. I don’t get to use my mechanics skills but there is always new skills to be obtained and utilized as I’ve never had a Supervisor’s position before. I try to think of new ways to run things better and keep my employees happy. Besides managing the Men’s Fitness Center I also manage the Laundry Staff. I really like working for a Christian organization and like the mission statement, “to serve all people and help them reach their God-given potential through the development of the spirit, mind, and body.
I’m thankful each day. I thank God each day for everything he has given me. I have a good job, recently 1994 Volvo 850, and a nice apartment with a great neighbor next door. My mother is now in remission of her cancer and is in good spirits. My sister continues to find herself in constant distress and in need of constant assistance but I pray she can get things worked out, she is currently homeless and seeking an apartment after getting evicted from the apartment that I worked so hard to get her into and got kicked off of housing which will make finding a place very hard. I’ve been at the YMCA for about a year now without any psychiatric problems and try each day to get better and maybe one day go back to school to further my education. I had taken some classes at NAU but dropped out because I couldn’t concentrate on school and work at the same time. Maybe some day I can write a book about my experiences with mental illness that will raise awareness and reduce the stigma that has been placed on those who are mentally ill. It has been going on since the dawn of time.
