sCHIZoPHReNIa diARiES
TRUE STORIES BY REAL SCHIZOPHRENICS
James Caldwell's 2 year Diary of Getting Stabilized
JAMES CALDWELL'S STORY
Dec 18 03
1AM; I haven't been able to write for a while now. This is because I have been going through a period off staying in my room and in bed due to Apathy and depreessive anxiety.
4AM; I am awake and hearing voices that are telling me that I can't trust anyone, even my doctor. I took an additional Haldol and am waiting for it to work. Meanwhile I am going to ask Mom up to sit with me until the Haldol takes effect.
6AM; Mom made Chamomile tea and we talked until now. The Haldol is working I can't go back to sleep, so I made a cup of coffee and used it to take my morning dose.
8AM; I am still awake and full of nervous energy. I don't like this, but it is better than the last few days, when I was apathetic and full of psychotic anxiety.
3PM; I'm having trouble just dealing with life today. Nothing is as it seems.
Dec 20 03
2PM; I went to bed at 2:30AM, so I am still sleepy. I am hoping for a day like yesterday, put it's too early to tell.
7PM; I just woke up from a 3 hour nap. I am full of psychotic anxiety. I don't know how to stop them. Therefore; I am trying to watch a movie with Grandma.
9PM; Grandma and I hated the movie. I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.
Dec 31 03
I have not been writing for 10 days now. This is because I was severely depressed and almost suicidal.
3PM; I just got my thoughts together and am thinking about the rollercoaster life I live. Some of my family members think that I can just snap out of it. Nobody but other Schizophrenics can understand the severity of psychotic torture that I endure.
January 1 04
9AM; Because I fell asleep at 4AM, I really did not sleep enough. I took my 9AM dose of medicines, and drank 4 cups of coffee to stay alert. I don't know how today is going to turn out.
1PM; My anxiety is sky high. I don't know if it was the coffee or the lack of sleep that brought this one. It sure is a good thing my next dose is only an hour away.
6PM; My anxiety level is at the threshold of Panic attacks. I find that little things are pissing me off. I dare not take an extra Clonazepam, because I have not the permission from Dr. Anders.
Jan 2 04
4PM; I'm having a good day. I woke up at 3PM. My family is out to get Megan a new car.
5PM; I was inside the garage with Grandma when she fell down pretty hard. She lacerated her elbow and hit her head. This gave me alot of anxiety. SO much so, I was dripping with sweat. Grandma handled this better than I did.
8PM; Mom and Dad finally checked her out
Jan 3 04
12AM; Susan ended up sewing up Grandma's elbow.
2AM; I woke up hallucinating both audibly and visually. I woke up Mom to sit with me and tie me to reality. I felt like Peter Pan, trying to get his shadow back.
3AM; I am still hallucinating. Mom told me that I must take some Haldol. I took 20mg. When I went back downstairs, She asked me how much I had taken. I told her. She thought 10mg would do it, but she understood that I needed to come down ASAP.
4AM; The Haldol started working, so I went to bed.
2PM: I woke up wondering if I had dreamed about all of last night until I looked in my diary.
6PM; Mom just took me to get cigarettes at Country Counter. When we returned we learned that Gtrandma had fallen again. This time, Grandma had a goose egg on her left eye.
Jan 04 04
1PM; Dad was really rude to me, so I told him that he was a very rude person. He told me that he was going to kick me out. I just wish he would mellow out. He is always a mean old fart.
2PM; Mom and I are going to get me whey protein. We may go to the movie: possibly Peter Pan.
6PM; Mom and I just returned from the Tops grocery store and Vitamin World (to get my whey protein)
7PM I called Roger, so he would know I would be at the airport with mom to pick him up. I am still upset with dad and will never take his abuse again.
11PM; I woke up to take my midnight medicine. Buddy was hungry, so I fed him: I couldn't sleep until 3am, so I made use of my time by spending it with Buddy.
Jan 05 04
5PM; We just came home from picking Roger up at the airport. We are now going to help my brother Dean move into the basement. I am still feeling alot of paranoia and anxiety.
9PM; A nap helped with my paranoia, but not the anxiety. I turned out that Dean was finishing moving in, so Roger and I both took naps. For neither of us got much sleep the past night.
Jan 6 04
5PM; I woke up at 4PM. What a wonderful sleep! I am really feeling good today. No anxiety! No psychotic symptoms!
10PM; I am still feeling great. I had a great workout. My anxiety is coming back, I don't know why, but over all this has truly been a great day.
Jan 10 04
5PM; I woke up at 4pm, I had went to bed at 6am. I hope I don't get my sleeping schedule screwed up. I dreamed about the Anaconda Pythons that I saw on animal planet. Some were big enough to eat a man. I'm talking about 30 foot long snakes. I am feeling good, sense I slept and dreamed.
