sCHIZoPHReNIa diARiES
TRUE STORIES BY REAL SCHIZOPHRENICS
James Caldwell's 2 year Diary of Getting Stabilized
JAMES CALDWELL'S STORY
Nov 21 03
All Day; I am in and out of bed, plagued by anxiety and apathy.
Nov 22 03
3PM; I woke up at 2:30PM and took my protein milkshake. Today is vastly dissimilar to yesterday. I feel wide awake and have no anxiety whatsoever.
6:30PM; I am starting to become detached. This is a state of consciousness where my mind goes into the back of my awareness. It is my warning that I am about to start hallucinating. I can't stop the process. The rest of the night is going to be like controlling a Tiger by the tail.
Nov 23 03
2PM; I've been up and detached for two hours now. Now I'm starting to see and hear things. I went downstairs to ask dad what to do. He said go for a walk or do something physical. I made it half way down the driveway. All of a sudden the driveway went vertical into the sky. Then I fell flat on my face. I got up and tried to continue walking down the driveway. I made it to the mail box, and then the mailbox turned into a leprechaun. This leprechaun chased me all the way up the driveway. Buddy could sense I was scared. SO he started barking (Buddy almost never barks). I Made it inside, and told my dad that exercise only made it worse. I am not going outside, because of that god damn leprechaun! I'm going to lie down in Roger's Room. Until I can focus enough to take my medicine.
(This is Roger. My dad seems to be sweating alot and breathing very deeply.)
6PM; After 2 doses of my medication, I am no longer hallucinating. I feel very tired and exhausted. My arms and legs are rubbery and lack the usual strength that they usually have.
Nov 24 03
3PM; I woke up tired and "CRISPY" from a long fitful sleep. I took my meds with 2 cups of coffee and a whey protein shake.
3:30PM; I am really awake now. I feel relaxed, yet ready for the day to come. I pray that yesterday will not be repeated. I am not noticing any of the telltale signs of impending hallucinations, like detachment or overwhelming anxiety at this time.
6PM; I worked out very hard and burned off any anxiety that I had. I drank a protein shake. All of these workouts are going to help me attain my goal of losing 50lbs. I now weigh 250lbs. I hope to be around 200lbs by Spring. These hard work outs also release endorphins, which leave me feeling as in touch with reality.
Nov 25 03
6AM; I was awakened by severe anxiety. I immediately took my morning dose with a cup of coffee. I decided to stay up and take a nap in the afternoon.
10AM; My mother and I took Grandma to the doctor and found out that she had a respiratory infection. This worried me alot. I was upset. Pneumonia could kill her. I am very close to my grandmother.
12PM; Mom decided to treat us to lunch at the Mustard Seed. We saw cousin Bobby there. I was feeling alot of anxiety because I was worried about Grandma.
6PM; I just woke up from a short nap. I was feeling less anxious. I was feeling somewhat detached. I was having a hard time holding a thought for very long.
10PM; I put in an intense workout with Roger. Next, i Took my bedtime medicines and waited for them to work. I wanted to alleviate my anxiety over Grandma's condition.
11:30PM; I fell asleep
Nov 27 03
12PM; I woke up because Roger wanted to get a workout in before the relatives came over for Thanksgiving. I took my medicines with 2 cups of coffee. We worked out and got our respective showers. I am feeling very detached today and will not eat with the family.
3PM; The relatives are here and I have retreated to my bedroom. I took an extra Clonazepam to calm down my anxiety, but even that could not help me with my overwhelming sense of detachment. I am afraid to sit down with my family because I feel like they are all judging me. Besides, how could i eat with butterflies in my stomach?
6PM; I got into an argument with Megan and Carol over an innocent word. I ended up telling them both to fuck off. I will never tolerate baby sisters trying to control me. Feeling detached, I retreated to my room and cuddled with Buddy.
Nov 28 03
No entry because of generalized apathy.
Nov 29 03
1PM; I woke up and felt more alert. Anxiety was high, but Clonazepam soon lowered it.
3PM; Very low anxiety and wanted Mom to take me to the store to get cigarettes and coffee. Mom said she would take me in a few hours. I felt frustrated because I was out of cigarettes.
6PM; I felt soreness in all of my muscles. I felt a little detached, but not to warn me of impending hallucinations. I actually feel better since Dr. Anders raised my dose of Haldol to 50mg per day.
Nov 30 03
1PM; I just woke up after a 15 hours of sleep. I was supposed to go to my brother Jeremy’s house for Brian's birthday. Apathy kept me from going anywhere this early in my waking up cycle.
3PM; My Mother called and asked if I still wanted to go to the party. I said yes and I'd be showered and shaved by the time she picked me up. She was here so I made it to Brian's 5th birthday party. I was apprehensive as to how well I'd do, because of the volume of people there.
4:30PM; I just got home from the party I felt as though everyone was watching me and judging me. I managed to go into their basement and watch my nephews and Brother Jeremy's father in law play air hockey. Only three people in a large room was much more comfortable than the crowd upstairs.
Nov 31 03
7AM; I woke up and took all of my medicines but Effexor, which has to be taken with food. I went back to sleep.
10AM; I woke up and took my Effexor with a whey protein drink. I also had two cups of coffee. Groggy eyed, I went downstairs to say, 'good morning' to dad, mom and grandma. I had a cigarette and played with Buddy.
4PM; I am very tired from diarrhea. I am going to take a short nap before I work out with Roger. I took Imodium AD and I am sure the cramps with my abdominal area will go away. I have alot of anxiety now, and I hope it won’t affect my nap.
