James Caldwell's 2 year Diary of Getting Stabilized




JAMES CALDWELL'S STORY

Nov 6 03

2:00PM; I just woke up after going to sleep at 11PM last night. I feel all washed out and tired. Luckily I set my alarm early in the morning to take my morning dose of medicine. It is right on time for my 2PM dose now.

 

Nov 7 03

7:00AM; I awoke this morning reeling with anxiety. I was really scared and did not know why or what was going to happen to me. It's sort of similar to speeding past a State Highway Patrolman and seeing flashing lights in the rearview mirror, but one hundred fold as intense. I took my morning dose of medicine with a hot cup of coffee and tried to practice deep-breathing techniques. This helped and I am now writing about it.

11:00AM; I am still having trouble with anxiety so I am going to take another Clonazepam. Hopefully I will feel better in an hour or so.

1:00PM; I am finally feeling better. Thank God for Chemicals. All that previous anxiety has left me very tired, so I am going to take a short nap.

 

Nov 8 03

1:00PM; I am playing a wrestling game with Roger. It's very fun, but I just cannot sit still for more than 5 minutes. I keep retreating to my room (safety). I do not understand this because I am doing so well. I'm going to try and stay and play more than one match. For some unknown reason, I'm afraid this will be very difficult. I'm smelling weird odors. For example: Roger's room smells like urine, my room smells like a gym, downstairs smells like dog shit, and outside smells like cigarettes. I can't find any reason for this. It must be some sort of hallucination.

10:00PM; I ate dinner at 9PM now I have to wait until 11PM to take my bedtime dose. I am watching TV in my room. It's some horror movie about gigantic snakes. I find these movies amusing because they are comedy compared to the very real horror of auditory and visual hallucinations. My family has just come home from a medieval dinner show. The house is still full of smoke from my attempt to fry a hamburger at 9:00. Everyone now knows that I ate dinner.

11:00PM; I just took my bedtime dose of meds, and am sitting downstairs with Mom and Grandma talking about their dinner show. After a half hour we all decided to call it a night.

 

Nov 9 03

12:00PM; I just woke up and am feeling quite rested, even though I now am 3 hours late for my morning dose. I am taking my first dose with a cup of coffee now. Everyone has gone to church. I feel serene and calm.

1:00PM; I called Mom on her cell phone and found that my family is at a restaurant eating lunch. I asked her why nobody woke me up for church. She thought that I would be uncomfortable at the large service Aaron was not conducting the service. She also said that another person was giving the sermon.

3:00PM; I took my noon dose of medicine with a cup of coffee. Grandma called for help from her room downstairs, so I went to see what was wrong. She was in alot of lower back pain and could not get comfortable in bed. Mom and I got her situated and I brought her my heating bpad and a dose of Motrin to ease her back pain. I went outside and smoked a cigarette, then returned to my room.

5:00PM; Roger's cousins; Nick, John, and Brian, came over to spend the night. Nick has a 7PM soccer game that Roger wants to see.

10:00PM; All of the kids have gone to sleep. Now it's my turn. I am taking my bedtime dose with alot of hope, since I am beginning to hear voices that are telling me to hurt myself.

1:00AM; I still have not had any sleep. I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I tried watching TV to focus on other things, but my thoughts are coming out of the TV. I took an extra haldol and Clonazepam with hopes of getting off this rollercoaster. I hope I can sleep.

4:00AM; The voices are now unbearable, so I am going to call in the cavalry. It's time to wake up Mom. Mom made me some Chamomile tea, and we sat down and talked me down. We decided that nothing was going to stop the voices, so Mom gave me some Diphenhydramine. Within 20 minutes I began to feel sleepy.

 

Nov 10 03

12:00PM; I had set my alarm to take my 9AM dose. I took my medicine and went back to sleep. Now, I am feeling quasi-normal again.

9:00PM; I am feeling that racy, pre-hallucination state of conscience. Every thing is brighter; I am feeling an edgy euphoria. Therefore, I am going to take an extra Haldol and artane. Hopefully this will stop the process.

11:00PM; I am out of the loop of hallucinations. I feel confident that I will sleep through the night and have dreams.

 

Nov 11 03

12:00PM; I feel a general sense of apathy and will probably no make any entries today.




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