James Caldwell's 2 year Diary of Getting Stabilized




JAMES CALDWELL'S STORY

Oct 30 03

11:30AM; I've been awake since 10AM. My medicine and my coffee were the first things I took, since they are usually the only combatants to anxiety and apathy. Today is a real blessing, for I am feeling like I can truly take on the world.

1:30PM; I am feeling very alert now, but am suffering alot of anxiety. Retreating to my room is my first instinct that I need to fight off. I must go outside and play with Buddy. I must try to fight the anxiety by focusing on playing with Buddy.

3:00PM; I am still feeling a lot of anxiety. Luckily , Mom and Dad came home and I can talk to them about it. Talking often helps me deal with generalized anxiety. In addition, I took my 3:00 dose of Clonazepam, which will temporarily aleiveate this nervousness.

5:00PM; Nothing seems to help my withdrawal anxiety. I fell as though I am burning from within. I can't describe it any other way. The shakes and cold sweats that accompany this anxiety are mere components of the whole picture. I don't know if I can just stay on 3mg of Clonazepa with My Abilify and Haloperidol and Aartane leves. The antipsychotics are working well , but there are the , as expected, bleeps in the system.

 

Oct 31 03

I spent all day in bed, overwhelmed by apathy and anxiety.

 

Nov 01 03

12:00PM; I'm feeling better after sleeping all of yesterday and last night. I am going to go get Roger his shoes for indoor soccer. I still owe him $50. This will enable him to buy better ones. Mom will be home to take me and Roger to the sporting goods store at any time now. Roger; reacting to my state of mental health was so obstinent that we never got his shoes. We drove to the store and returned home, never entering the store.

 

Nov 2 03

1:00PM; We all went to Brandon's house for a birthday party. I felt so depressed and full of anxiety that I was constantly smoking cigarettes outside.

4:00PM; We just got back. I went immediately to my room. I was hallucinating by this time and couldn't interact with anyone.

11:00PM; My Hallucinations and psychotic anxiety were so bad that I took another 2 Haldols.

1:30AM; Feeling better so I finally went to sleep.

 

Nov 3 03

12:00PM; I am feeling well. I think I'll go outside and enjoy this rare sunny and warm day.

2:30PM; I just came in from outside. The weather is beautiful, but my skin is photosensitive because of the haloperidol. I am thankful to God that I am having such a good day. Roger should be home from school any minute now. I must tell him to mow the grass outside and study his Physics for an hour with me.

 

Nov 4 03

10:00AM; I am still feeling lousy, but today I get to see my Psychiatrist, Dr. Anders.

1:00PM; Dr. Anders says that I need to return to my original dosages of Clonazepam 4mg and Haloperidol 40mg. This makes me very happy. In addition, he prescribed me to take whey protein. The whey protein contains branch-chained amino acids that are not found as much in schizophrenics' brains. The additions of branch-chained amino acids have just recently been proven to help cognitive functioning to a significant degree.

9:00PM; I am beginning to feel better already. Less anxiety and fewer hallucinations are a welcome state of being.

 

Nov 5 03

12:00PM; I'm feeling totally better. I slept all night and don't have any anxiety or hallucinations. THIS IS TRULY A WONDERFUL DAY! I hope that it continues, for I really do not want to go back to feeling the way I was the last ten days.

7:00PM; I went to see a movie at the local Cinema. (Matrix Revolutions). The theatre was packed and I could feel my anxiety rising. It took me ten trips to the bathroom to make it through the movie I don't know of any schizophrenic who can withstand large crowds because of all the voices whispering.

9:45PM; I am feeling all washed out after enduring the packed theatre. It was a good movie, but it took all I had to sit still and resist the feeling to flee to some place safe.




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